the shadow of death
a memoir
In the wake of her cancer diagnosis, I was pulled back into a world I had left behind.
For decades, my mother had faithfully served as a minister in her church. I grew up in Nashville, Tennessee in the shadow of her vocation- groomed to understand the world through an evangelical lens. Over the years, my perspective expanded. I came out as a trans woman and started hormones. I abandoned the church and found my own path.
Once we entered the hospital, I felt confined to her world. Her evangelical worldview permeated every aspect of her life, and it was impossible to escape. So many faces from the past came filtering into view with talk of prayer and miracles. With the reality of death hanging over us, it became impossible to ignore my faith of origin. If I was to survive this experience, it felt necessary to grapple with my lineages- genetic and liturgic.
the shadow of death tells the story of my mother’s diagnosis, decline, and death from stage four liver cancer in 2023 - amid a rising climate of anti-trans sentiment & legislation. In the shadow of my mother’s looming death, I was forced to wrestle with God over my inheritance. As her health declined, I began to ask what is it exactly that I have inherited? And in her absence, what would I pass on to my children?
overture
Jacob wrestles with God.
i. you and i have unfinished business
A pain in my mother’s neck becomes a waking nightmare at St. Thomas Medical Center. I am sucked back into my childhood- bombarded by the religious imagery I had avoided for years. Face to face with it, I am pulled back into memories of this place, of my father’s kidney transplant.